 "Photo: anna tyrkala")
In a logical universe, the rules that govern our world are simple and finite. In physics, for example, objects fall with constant acceleration. In horror movies, virgins never die and basements are deathtraps.
Although you may not know it, a similar set of clearcut, well-reasoned rules govern the ever-expanding realm of Non-News — you know, the name for the underground media conspiracy that foists stories like Balloon Boy down the throats of the collective viewing public.
This week, in a Phoenix exclusive, “Ramen” has obtained a partial list of these “Rules of the Non-News Media.” If you hope to survive in a Non-News world (or make tons of money by slinging crap like this to us unsuspecting viewers) listen up:
Rule #1. When forced to choose between holding a story while you back up your facts, or publishing it unverified in the breakneck race to be first ... pick the latter, duh! If you’re not first, you’re last, suckers! It’s like what Gawker.com guru Nick Denton wrote in a memo last month. According to the AP, Denton blasted his employees for stories “where we’ve thought WAY too much before publishing.” (Serious sidenote, if you value truth and/or accuracy, that statement should trigger your gag reflex.)
Rule #2. Like the changing of the seasons, some stories come and go so reliably every year that you can set your non-newsroom clocks to them. No matter if you covered them last year, or if they’re common knowledge by now. You can get wicked awesome footage, so hype the crap out of it like it’s never happened before. (See: Holiday shopping stampedes, drunk teenagers on spring break, opening day of the Butterball Turkey helpline, etc.)
Rule #3. If explaining the intricacies of the conflict in the Middle East is too gosh darn hard, just roll stock footage of that waterskiing squirrel, or the skateboarding bulldog. Viewers will like it better anyway.
Rule #4. Have coverage of a truck overturning on the highway? Relegate it to the local media. But if it was carrying a crap-ton of alcohol that spills all over the road, for the love of God, get that on your national network ASAP. And make sure to courtesy copy Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update” on the memo.
Rule #5. When Twitter generates a rumor about a healthy celebrity dying unexpectedly, run with it until you learn that it’s false. Then you get to write a retraction story too. That’s double the coverage!
Rule #6. Word to the wise: If you are a politician having sex with anyone other than the one person it is socially acceptable to have sex with, you are fair game. Especially if you leave clues. In Buenos Aires.
Rule #7. Multiple births are always non-news. More babies = more pageviews.
Rule #8. And speaking of babies, online photo galleries of celebrity babies are solid gold. Slap it up there and proceed to laugh maniacally while rolling around in a huge pile of cold cash ad revenues from your boost in clickthroughs.
Rule #9. If you aspire to land a job working for the non-news media, don’t bother with journalism school. Just lose in a couple of reality TV shows instead and wait for the offers to roll in (see: “Melissa Roycroft”).
And the last, but by far the most important rule of the non-news media is:
Rule #10. Ryan Seacrest is god. Period. Don’t question, just accept.
Be warned, much like the silly silver-screen teenagers who break the horror movie rules and end up dead, there are dire consequences for those semi-reporters who ignore the Rules of the Non-News Media: You remain … reputable. And thorough, and respectable. In short, you forfeit your place in the nebulous, flash-in-the-pan, who’s-the-new-Britney-today world of non-news and slowly sink into the realm of actual journalism and relevant coverage. And for the love of Ryan Seacrest, who wants that?!
LeeAnn Maton is the Editor-in-Chief.
lmaton@luc.edu
2 comments