1.) If we were dwarves and lived in the enchanted forest with Snow White (that would add up to nine dwarves total, for you math majors), we would be not only the coolest dwarves, but also the most dramatic. Kevin would be "Mopey" and Erik would be "Berserky," the Viking dwarf. Mopey would hang out mostly with Sleepy and Grumpy (because being mopey is a combination of being sleepy and grumpy) and Berserky would stand armed and ready in the corner of the hut, waiting for Happy to fall asleep so he could end his meaningless existence.
2.)Anyway, the Cardinals are just like Lord Voldemort! Think about it, even though Cubs fans think they can defeat the dark team, in the end the Cardinals will rise through the Bolshevik rhetoric of blinded Cubs fans to show Harry Potter the true power of the Dark Side. Wait, is Harry Potter a Jedi - or is he just a Cold War Russian militiaman? Man, we're confused. It's definitely time to move on.
3.)Guerrero actually means "warrior" in Spanish, so we're hoping he lives up to his namesake and impales Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez with his bat when the two teams meet in the ALCS. Wouldn't that be sweet? Vlad, armed with a sharpened bat covered in pine-tar (don't ask how it got sharp), violently piercing pinstriped jerseys, living out his destiny as the reincarnation of the original Vlad the Impaler by drinking the blood of his victims. Yeah, that'd be awesome.
Be the first to comment on this article!